Coke Bike

Written in the Fall of 2007


At the beginning of the summer I was visiting Montreal and staying a couple nights at my friend Noush’s place. In her hallway was a large flat, rectangular box, slightly rounded on one side. I inquired as to its contents, and as I had presumed, it was a bike. It had been given to her by her parents when they were visiting from Dubai. Noush said she had no use for it since she had a strong affinity towards her own bike and was soon leaving the city anyway. To my great delight, I was told I could have this ten speed mode of transportation for no more than the expense of having it assembled, probably $40 or so.

Two months later I move to Montreal with the beautiful Parc La Fontaine literally a stoner’s throw away from my new residence, where all the cyclists enjoy daily scenic exercise while they ride their pride. I would soon join them. I wasted no time in claiming my prize which luckily was still residing with Noush about a ten minute walk from my place. First I took the box to a bike shop right across the street from her, where after some strange looks the man told me it would be a few days before he’d have a chance to look at it. I couldn’t wait that long, so I carried the box, the weight of which seemed to double with every block, to the big bike shop by the park, the Cycle Pop. There the box and I were met with more strange looks. Apparently a bike in a box is not something even the greatest of bike enthusiasts see often. They would take a look at it and get back to me with an assembly price.

Although most of you probably already know where this is going, I’ll give a bit more background on where the bike came from. When Noush was much younger and living in Dubai, the Coca Cola Company had a promotional contest where each bottle had an image of a bike part under the cap. When someone collected all the necessary bike parts, they could mail them off to Coke and receive a free bike. While she never won, those hard to find pieces were just a little too hard to find. Coke had some excess bikes left over from the promotion, still kicking around several years later with no use other than buttering up the occasional business partner. Noush’s father was in the business of opening movie theaters and thus found himself in possession of the once sought after coke bike… in a box.

Okay, cut back to Canada, September 2007, the day after dropping my package off at the Cycle Pop. I haven’t received a phone call with the estimate but I’m in the neighborhood and decide to drop in to check on its status. The very French man says:

“Yeah, we put your bike together.”

“Already? How does it look?”

“It’s ah… (laughs a bit) it’s a cool bike.”

“Oh yeah? It’s a good bike, eh?”

“Well, is not a good bike, but is real neat. We tried calling you.”

Apparently the guy could not read his co-worker’s handwriting and was calling the wrong number. The assembly involved a lot more parts and repairs than anticipated, and the itemized bill in handwriting I couldn’t read, probably in a language I don’t know (French), likely using unfamiliar terminology (bike), totaled about $100. A little more than I was hoping to spend, but it didn’t matter, it was done and I had my bike. The guy told me how amused everyone that worked at the shop was with it, I would soon find out why.

While I did have some idea of what to expect, I was quite taken aback when he wheeled in the rolling billboard. And though I did resent the corporate whore aspect of it, I also thought it was kind of cool. When I asked if he thought it would be a target for theft, he laughed at me. (Better get a picture of me with the bike for insurance purposes anyway, just in case.) Besides, I would get used to the snickers. Perhaps the most embarrassing set came from a small group in the park the next day. I was struggling up a hill when the front tire’s rear plastic fender falls off. I picked it up, happy to further amuse the kids before heading straight home. This repair I could do myself, but it would be the last.

Some more facts about the bike:

1. Though most the decals read ‘Coca Cola’, the top one reads ‘MJB.’ I have no idea what this stands for.

2. I still don’t know how to properly change gears, some of which are written in what I believe to be Hindi.

3. I consulted the owner’s manual in an attempt to remedy this, the most useful information I found read: “Do not spook animals. If you come to an equestrian, let them know you are there, dismount and then walk around them slowly.”

4. Though I set it as tight and high as I can, the seat will always sink to its lowest setting as I ride and go over small bumps.

5. This one’s not really about the bike, but why do helmets always have to look so damn big on me? And why does it seem like I’m the only one in this city who wears one? I guess everyone trusts their bikes a lot more than I do.

6. Any steady incline or hard work put on the bike, and the entire crank attaching the left pedal will fall off. This may or may not be caused by my inability change gears.

The first time this happened, I took it back to the shop. I had it back the same day. As soon as I put my weight on the recently reattached pedal, the cheap plastic snapped a bit. This was no surprise, since it had already happened to the other one, and besides, they were still functional.

The second time this happened was on my birthday when I was halfway to my destination, dropping off a job application. The good news was that after an unexpected, very sweaty interview, I got the job. The bad news was that after 3 pm, you’re not allowed to bring a bike on to the metro. After trying several stations and fighting with unsympathetic STM employees, I resigned myself to the long, hot walk home. By this point, the plastic of the right pedal had been reduced to not much more than a nub. Oh well, I had to replace the other one anyway, and they only come in pairs. I still made several attempts to sit on the bike, either pedaling with the one nub or pushing it along with my legs, Fred Flintstone style. It was useless, and I knew what I had to do.

So back to the Cycle Pop with the Coke Bike one last time. I told them there was no rush. I didn’t come back the next day. It was about two weeks this time before I could be bothered to come get it again. I went for a leisurely ride in the park to test the new pedals, and despite the usual stares and giggles, knowing it would likely be one of the last times I would ride this gaudy advertisement made me a little melancholy. Since I would need to take some pictures to sell it online anyway, why not make a day of it? So Anita and I spent a couple beautiful Sunday hours last weekend enjoying some Parc La Fotoshootaine in the dying warmth of summer. The imported, retro-cool, extremely photogenic bicycle is currently on Craig’s list for $4000, and no Anita, I don’t come with it.

* Your best friend apologizes to both of you regular readers out there for the lack of content and recycling of old material in recent weeks. The causes of this are manifold: laziness, beginning to regain a life away from the computer, blowing much of my proverbial blogger load in January while posting at a rate I knew I would not be able to maintain, and also becoming a contributor to Action and Action where a lot of my viral video finds and movie geek-outs will be posted. Cheers and thanks for reading.

Your Best Friend hates poetry

Travel by Your Best Friend

As my legs grew longer, the city became smaller.
The world became smaller as my wallet got fatter.
And as my wallet grew fatter, so did my legs.

CUFF THE DUKE

I recommend beginning to listen to the first video while reading. The images aren't important and there are no lyrics for a couple minutes.

To pull the goalie? To usurp the throne? I'm sure one could also come up with some more sordid theories as to the meaning of the name 'Cuff the Duke,' but what it means to me is consistently impressive, underrated music.

Their folky sound is often categorized as 'indie rock' or 'alt-country' but I deem it too rural for rock and too good for country. They have released three great albums, earning the respect of their influences such as Blue Rodeo's Greg Keelor. After touring as Hayden's backing band last fall, they spent the first part of the winter recording 14 new songs on Keelor's farm. They played a few of these songs live for the first time last Thursday during an unadvertised show at The Dakota Tavern. First impressions tell me that the new album will be a welcomed addition to their quality catalogue and the intimate setting was an ideal way to debut them. Keelor was even there to provide backing vocals on one song.

With only two original members remaining, it's hard not to give most of the band's credit to singer/ songwriter Wayne Petti. His 2007 solo album 'City Lights Align' plays just as well as the Duke records, though it lacks the full, layered sound that comes with the variety of instruments the band incorporates. It still baffles me that jokes like Nickleback experience international fame while truly great Canadian songwriters remain in near obscurity and work part time jobs.

Though I thoroughly enjoyed last Thursday's set list, old and new songs alike, two of my favourite songs I was confident would be played were neglected. 'Ballad of a Lonely Construction Worker' and 'Confessions from a Parkdale Basement' from the first and third albums respectively, are extremely complimentary in their reversed structures. Whereas 'Construction Worker' begins with a long instrumental introduction, 'Parkdale Basement' begins with a steady stream of lyrics before Petti is joined by the rest of the band for the instrumental finish. Both of these songs are built from two clearly distinct halves (the change occurs at almost exactly the halfway point in each track), and do away with the traditional 'verse/ chorus/ verse/ chorus' format by replacing it with something much fresher.

Here is a fan video of 'Ballad of a Lonely Construction' so you can hear what I'm talking about.

The album version of 'Confessions from a Parkdale Basement' was not on youtube, so I posted this. At first I was just going to use a few pics of the band as the image, but I got a little carried away. You'll notice a picture of the aforementioned Dakota Tavern, which is in fact a basement on the outskirts of Parkdale, and the cover of 'Sidelines of the City' the album on which the song is featured.



The new album won't be out until summer, but another chance to hear some of their new songs before then will be March 14 at Lee's Palace.

Cuff Links:

While they're not great at updating their websites (it was sheer luck that I heard about the Dakota show), you can find out more about the band at their myspace and official website.

Also worth checking out is Wayne Petti's myspace. The Wiki article on the band which gives a good breakdown of the various members to pass through the group.

Rich Aucoin has provided occasional accompaniment to the band, his Brother Paul has produced their last two records. Rich is also an old friend of your best friends' best friend (confused yet?), and a very talented musician himself.

What's he hiding?

Watch it. Watch it again. Then try not to watch it a third time. No wonder this thing has almost 10 million views.

Welsh Psycho?

Yesterday an audio clip was brought to my attention that has been popping up all over the internet recently. It's about four minutes of Christian Bale administering a verbal beating to the 'Terminator Salvation' director of photography Shane Hurlbut for adjusting lights during a take last July. Listen to the clip below to hear a conniption fit that makes Bill O'Reilly sound mild mannered.

Sure, being distracted from your work can be bothersome, but I couldn't help but hypothesize other reasons for this outburst of Hamlet proportioned humors. Here's what I came up with:

1. After beginning his career with Steven Spielberg and having the more than respectable Christopher Nolan as his most frequent recent collaborator, he was working for McG, whose most notable accomplishments are the Charlie's Angels films and getting away with being called 'McG.' (this hard-nosed director can be heard in the clip controlling the situation with contributions like "I didn't see it" and "fair enough")

2. He was working on a dying franchise while promoting his starring role in the biggest franchise alive right now.

3. He's playing a character made famous by Edward Furlong.

4. In recent years, the actor has put his body through drastic treatment for his roles. Most famously losing over 60 pounds to play 'The Machinest' in 2004 before bulking up for the first Batman film, and again shedding all his muscle to play a POW in 'Rescue Dawn' before becoming Batman for the second time. This physical yo-yoing must take its mental toll as well.

5. In Bale's defense, the assistant director and associate producer Bruce Franklin (presumably the same Bruce Bale tells to "shut the fuck up" during his rant) has said "It was the most emotional scene in the movie. And for him to get stopped in the middle of it - he is very intensely involved in his character." Clearly he mistook the director of photography as a T-800 machine with no feelings.

6. His mother and his sister were currently pressing charges against Bale for verbal assault. Though I see how this could be upsetting, lashing out in front of tons of recording equipment was probably not the best way to deal with those woes.

7. Actors are generally emotional people, it's part of the job. I can never see myself getting this outwardly angry at someone, but I also can't summon all those other emotions on demand the way a talent like Christian Bale can. To do what he does, you need to be passionate, and being passionate will lead to the occasional freak-out.

8. Perhaps he was inspired by the Apatow bunch, and it's all an elaborate ruse. If so, man that guy can fuckin' act!

9. Not to get all sentimental, but as I already mentioned, this was apparently recorded in the same week 'The Dark Knight' was released, an occasion that was supposed to be shared with co-star Heath Ledger. The performance was garnering (and obviously continues to) much acclaim, and his friend wasn't around to reap the benefits of his hard work. This couldn't have been far from his mind.

10. Maybe Bale is just a prick.

Seriously though, Christian Bale has been one of my favourite actors for years, I'm glad his career has taken off and it's too bad stuff like this has to taint our image of him (though I will watch video of this if it ever surfaces). I thought he was a great choice for Batman because I believe that he comes closest to matching the tunnel vision and commitment it would actually take for Bruce Wayne to make his transition. Ever since his first film role at 13 in Spielberg's 'Empire of the Sun' his skills as an actor have been praised, and he's continued with multiple breakthrough performances such as his brilliant turn as 'American Psycho' Patrick Bateman. Along with Jeffery Wright, they completely stole the film as the baddies in 'Shaft' (underrated movie). All this to say, it's no wonder the guy has an ego, takes his work seriously and suffers the occasional emotional flare-up. I don't know what David O. Russel's excuse is.

Joe Canadian

Last Wednesday night, during 'American Idol's commercial break, a TV spot for the new film 'He's Just Not That Into You' aired that contained a very quick 'Beaver shot' so to speak. If you blinked, you may have missed it. A day later, I went to the Internet to find out if I really saw what I thought I saw. The TV spot was nowhere to be found on youtube, only the movie's official trailer, sans Beaver. Interesting? Not really. What I actually thought I saw in the TV spot amidst faces belonging to Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connolly, Scarlett Johansson, Drew Barrymore, Justin Long and many others was a familiar Canadian face. An actor that I recognized from a lot of commercials as well a short lived sketch comedy show from a few years back. I wanted to figure out if I was right, since it's kind of a big deal to see a local guy that used to get by on commercials in with such a big Hollywood cast, but I had no clue what his name was. The Internet Movie Database has a cast list of about 80 members for this film, over ¾ of which have careers important enough to warrant headshots. I hadn't seen the film, I had no idea what the character's name was or how big of a role he even plays, not that it matters as there's no order to the long list anyway (the bit parts are all listed first with the stars all grouped near the bottom). Plus I didn't even remember the name of the sketch comedy show he was on, and commercial credits are not listed on IMDb. Since I didn't know what I was looking for, I was about to deem the task hopeless and certainly not worthy of the time I had already spent on it. But just before reaching the point of defeat, I thought to myself “I could look for a Canadian- sounding name” whatever that is. I kid you not, less than 2 seconds later my eyes landed on 'Mike Beaver.... Cousin Jay.' I clicked on it and sure enough it was him.

Born in Saint Catherines, Ontario, this Ryerson theatre school alum has actually done a lot more than I had previously given him credit for. He's written two films with Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones. 'Ham and Cheese' in 2004 and 'Cooper's Camera' in 2008. These films also featured Beaver in co-starring roles along with Jones, his fellow Daily show correspondent/ wife Samantha Bee, and David Foley rounding out the Canadian club, probably with a glass of it in his hand most of the time. Beaver can also be seen in 19 episodes of 'Billable Hours' and was a co-founder of the sketch comedy group 'The Bobroom' (IMDb calls this group 'famed' but I found their television show easily forgettable). Okay, so Beaver has popped up in more than just a couple commercials, but it looks like this new film is his first role in something that wasn't shot in Toronto. Even though I've never seen most of his work, he was memorable enough for me to want to find out more about his career. Needless to say, I would have never figured who he was if it weren't for the name association. I hope Mike Beaver's "Northern star" continues to rise with this new movie that I will never see. I will try to see those Canadian films he wrote though.

He loves Japan

This video was brought to my attention by my friend Bobbo's blog, one that inspired me to start my own. I probably won't be posting for a couple days, so check out this awesome video, and many others at Action and Action.